I had a dream that my best friend came to visit me. It was perfect. I don’t even remember or care what we did. All I know is when he came to say goodbye, I kissed him, and asked him if I could go with him. He left, and was texting me, and I was getting ready to go with him, and suddenly I woke up… I woke up ready to text him and tell him all about my funny dream… And then I remembered…

My best friend passed away 192 days ago…

So I was going to write on your Facebook wall, and then I realized “What does it matter? You’ll never read it, you’ll never comment back, I won’t hear from you ever again.” God, I wish you knew how much I missed you! I wish I could talk to you!! I don’t know what is wrong with me, every time I think about going to California, I think about you, everything I say the something about “best friends” I MISS YOU! I hate that you aren’t around, I do, I hate it. And I know that’s stupid, I know it’s stupid to be upset or mad because you aren’t around, that wasn’t something you could control, and I know that, but it doesn’t matter, I still hate that you aren’t here to talk to! I can’t MSN with you, I can’t Skype with you, we can’t Tweet each other, we can’t text, I don’t have a special text tone for you anymore, because I’ll never get a text from you again. I want to scream sometimes, because all I do lately is MISS YOU! It’s so hard not to miss you, it’s so hard to just forget. I don’t want to forget, I never want to forget, I don’t think I ever will, but sometimes I just wish it would hurt less when I do miss you, when I do think about you. I wish when some how something in my mind made me think about you, I didn’t choke while I was speaking, words disappear and all I can do is hold back all my emotion. Sometimes, while I’m driving, I’ll be singing along, and think how you never got to witness my driving that you were so afraid of, how you’d laugh at me while I sang and danced my way around my car. I think of how I can’t meet up with you in Disneyland, I think of how I can’t terrify you with Mickey Mouse, I think of so much that I can’t do with you! I think of how my best man won’t be at my wedding, I think of how you’ll never meet my kids, you’ll never visit my house, you’ll never approve of the person I marry, just so much more… It hurts to think that my best friend is frozen in time in a way, I’ll never get to share all those big moments in life with you! How before I lost you, I wasn’t that great of a friend, and I’ll never be able to make up for it. I want to write on your wall, I want to tell you about my day every day… But I resist because I feel silly because I’ll never get to know your response… I miss you Bry<3

I wish I liked people, I wish I trusted people. But, I don’t like people at all, and I stopped trusting them a long time ago. I lost my best friend, he was the only person that I could open up to so fully, that I could fight with, but yet with we needed each other we would be there despite everything. I miss that so much, I do cry out for him when I am sad, I cry out for him when I’m happy and I wish he were here to be happy with me. I was really proud of myself when I’d lost all the people I’d trusted, that I’d loved, for no reason, and I moved on and started trusting others slowly again. I tried so hard to trust people, I tried so hard to be strong again. I’m just realizing all over again why I kept to myself. Judgement is unavoidable. People will always judge you for what you’ve done in your past, for what you’ve said in the past, no matter what they tell you, they are constantly judging you. This is a fact, because I do it too, I’m so afraid of people that I’m constantly judging if I should remain near them, of if I can trust to say certain things to them, judgement is everywhere. I regret my past, I regret so many things in my life, but I’ve moved on from them, I’ve done my best to come to terms with them. When someone brings up a part of my past that I’m not proud of, that depresses me, and they use it against me, it hurts. I’m not a good person, I am not a good friend, I am not a good girlfriend, all of these things are things that I am well aware of. I’m not a good daughter, I’m not a good sister, I’m not a good student, I’m not a good Christian, these are things I’ve come to realize. I do believe that people can change, but a lot of people don’t see it.

I used to smoke and do drugs, I’d turn to pills and weed for an escape when I was stressed or depressed or feeling any emotion really, and it helped! Or so I thought. Then I stopped, because when I was depressed and didn’t have any of those things to turn to, I had to learn how to get over those problems by myself.
I used to drink ever weekend, I thought the only way you could enjoy yourself is to drink yourself stupid and not give a shit about what you were doing. Now I work Fridays and Saturday’s and I’ve never enjoyed myself so much.
I used to have sex with almost anyone, people I didn’t like, people that were single and just wanted another tally on their sheet, people that were in a relationship, it didn’t matter. I’d mess with people, I’d toy with their emotions, I’d ruin relationships from inside out, I’d ruin people, and in that process I ruined myself. I ended up hurting myself more than anyone. After getting that hurt, when I was trying to put all the pieces of myself back together, I tried to promise myself I wouldn’t be that person ever again.

I used to be a bad person, but like everyone else, I’ve made mistake that I have and still am paying for in so many ways. I beat myself up for these things all the time, I still cry myself to sleep at night or cry in the shower when I think about these things. I shouldn’t be reminded of all of these things, I shouldn’t have my past held over my head. I am not the person I used to be. It seems like the only person I can love, that I can trust, that I can count on, is my best friend who I can’t even talk to anymore.